So I have nearly reached 1 year past dead day!!! To be honest always hoped beyond hope and tried to believe in the impossible and so far I am still here.
It is getting very tough and not a day passes now without pain, with a little bit of horror mixed in. But I still also have an awful lot to be grateful for and still have a quality of life which I can tolerate and still wish to fight another day. Actually live to ENJOY another day.
Its all a balancing act and I have to walk a fine line of doing enough to keep me happy and wanting to live and not doing to much that I overdo it and end up in lots of pain or back in hospital. DO NOT WANT THAT - so I walk a tight rope every day.
I am so grateful for so many things and as the road becomes narrower and I can do less, its very strange because you actually end up becoming more and more grateful for the little things you can still do. Walk outside in the air, feel the wind on your face, see a beautiful senset, watch your kids play, hear [...]
Sometimes I wonder why I set myself goals all the time, as sometimes I put pressure on myself. After having thought a little on the subject I know know that really it is the only way I can keep imagining I have a future and keep on working towards that future.
Giving myself a massive Target of 1 Million Denzil books to sell and to still be alive next Christmas - gives me a great focus on living for another year. Its also such a big target that I will have to keep thinking up new and creative ways to get Denzil out there and keep him moving, its something we can all enjoy as a family.
If you aim for the stars and only reach the moon there is no shame in that. Also with everything I have ever achieved so far, I have always aimed massive and come somewhere in between but if I had of never strived for the top I would never have even begun.
For me its about the journey not the destination and although I totally believe it is possible for us to sell 1 million copies of Denzil I know that [...]
So here I am laying in my bed still, pjs still on - having been brought poached egg on toast and coffee made by my lovely husband. Today I am feeling lucky and blessed, which is nice.
I had hoped after leaving hospice that I would be able to stop taking the morphine for pain as the pain had got so much better, but unfortunately I have gained some new pains so morphine for now is still helping me out. Not sure how sinister these new pains are and some times I really think The end is coming soon, but I hate thinking like that so generally I don't.
If I think back to the holiday we went on two years ago, I was not sure I would make it then and that was 2 whole years ago. I need to make Christmas, Fuck I need to make a it a lot further than CHristmas but if we are going for bite size chunks that I can focus on the Christmas is my next ambition. To get through and enjoy and be as healthy as I can be for Christmas, so as a family we can have GOOD memories of Christmas together, not some [...]
Posted on November 9, 2013
Sorry for not having written for a while. Have been enjoying just being alive really. Still a little overwhelmed at being alive after the horrid lung drain thing and still hoping very much that I don't have to endure that again any time soon.
I am still in pain which is rather annoying but its still not half as bad as it was so I am very grateful for small blessings. I don't like pain though its not nice, I could do with out it for sure. It drains your energy.
So I have been very much enjoying just being with my lovely husband and he has been looking after me very well - its nice to know that even after 22 years of being together we can love each other in new ways and just find our love is stronger and stronger - Thats lovely!!!!
Denzil is selling well and I have stated that I intend to sell 1 million copies - well I am gonna try!!!!
I will be honest I don't know how we keep doing this as a family without being totally financially stable. My husband can not stay off work forever [...]
Well WOW! what a few days it has been - NEVER could i have predicted what happened.
So in short pain last week was becoming unbearable, I really thought I was pretty much done in terms of life left and was hanging on by a thread. Lucky for me I had lots of singing to do and Denzil the mouse was coming out on the Saturday so I just kept pushing, hoping I could somehow keep going.
I finished my book signing with the kids on Saturday knowing that I was going straight from there to the hospital, I could barely move and my oxygen levels were way down. I had been to meds on Friday night as I wanted to be admitted then but they had sent me home telling me I had a possible chest infection and gave me antibiotics.
I waited in Meds for about 3 hours and pretty much demanded to be admitted, lucky for me the doctor on duty was totally in agreement and listened to my back and he thought I had some fluid on my lung - he was one of the first to suggest it.
I have been in pain for about 4 months [...]