So another weekend of highs and BIG LOWS. But I am in another new place and it seems I can't reach the highs without first going a bit lOW.
I have been so limited in my own prison. My walls so high and so thick and well built and all of them are starting to crumble and with that my ego is fighting back hard as the new me that is emerging. I have chosen to suspend all beliefs and live in a much more free place where no limitations exist, no walls, no boundaries, no pre programmed thoughts and for a moment just to relish the beauty of suspending all of my programming and imagine that what if everything I new or believed was not right or wrong, different or in different and that I am only being limited by my own walls.
We are in doctrinated with beliefs from the second we are alive. We are pre programmed by our parents, teachers, everyone and anyone we come into contact with build, help to build our walls of our adult self imposed prisons. We then spend our whole lives either blinded [...]
Now at nearly 6 months past dead day and i have been taught so many lessons that I don't know where to start. I am learning with every single moment that arises and breathing in the magnificence of this life in all its glory.
I still have bad days and wow they are so strong and powerful but the energy that they create I just have to sit with now and allow to pass. They can drag me down, make me feel things I would never choose to feel and make me act like a fool. But a fooI am sometimes and that is OK.
I have been a big thinker my whole life, over analysing everything and trying to pick my way through my over alerted emotions. Sometimes it has been like swimming through treacle to get to the heart or the gut instinct that is hidden behind the fear.
If I could honestly hand on heart ask myself what has led me to this dis-ease within myself I know the answer and its FEAR. Fear of everything, fear of living, fear of dying, fear of not being good enough, not being brave enough, you name [...]
My need for writing at the moment is so powerful that I can not help but put down all these crazy things that come into my head. I am enjoying it and so I will continue.
I have expressed many times about fear in my life and that is has been in the driving seat of my life for so very long. The need for certainty the need for control, the need to act in a certain way that will ensure a certain outcome.
We all do it. Try and live a certain way, act a certain way to garuntee the outcome that makes us the most comfortable and the least scared or uncomfortable. But what if there really is no certainty. What if all of that is just an illusion we create for ourselves to feel safer, more protected and in control.
just because you do something that you feel, correct, safe is right doesn't mean you will be rewarded for it. Just because you don't drink, smoke, do drugs or live an unhealthy lifestyle does not endure your safe passage through life without any illnesses.
My mum never ever drank, [...]
So today has been a whole lot of jOY AND SUNSHINE, loving the sun it makes for such a better head space and for that I am eternally grateful. A lot of walking with the pup, just being in the great outdoors and the watching my kids scoot there little hearts out until there limbs are too tired to scoot anymore. And in a moment back down our lovely beach to enjoy the remnants of a barmy lovely day.
Thoughts coming in thick and fast today and real clarity in understanding a few things so I thought I'd share.
I wrote earlier that without you being you there is no me and that really sums up everything to me about accepting our differences just as they are. I remember my oncologist saying to me when i said right at the beginning of this 2 and a half years ago that if somehow I got through this he would have no job, he would have to start a new career and he virtually warned me not to get better because then he would be out of a job. He did it in humour and jest and I never have taken [...]
Ohh is a sun shiny day and yet another rollercoaster weekend of bumps and highlights, reaching out, closing down, trying to hide, feeling so free and in touch and the so dis connected and so lost. I am happy with that.
I have always had strong beliefs and in some way they have helped me to navigate a very tricky path. In others they have limited me big time. I am slowly starting to just become AWARE! aware that my needs change, my thoughts change, my beleif system is not always the RIGHT one for me and that to some degree by believing in anything I limit myself and others around me in my own limitations.
Two ladies knocked on my door yesterday to show me the way to GOD. My instant reaction in my belly and my head was "oh no not that again" brow beating people into believing in one belief system that they see as the only RIGHT way. I can never understand why people would want to change everyone else to there way of thinking and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
After they left I [...]